Broken wing destitute
Rough seas, want barren deserts...
Love in hate in strength in weakness
Open the blinds, close the blinds
Relentless self sabotage............

You found me turned loose

 on the highway

A few seconds sooner

 and you’d have found my hideaway

My bruises are black now

...my scratches are permanent lines

Journeyed beyond the saguaros

Reached the mountain lines

Saw you

Turned the truck around

You said tell me where it is

and I won’t shoot

You said tell me where it is

You won’t shoot

It’s in the ground

Where in the ground

Journey beyond the saguaros

Reach the mountain lines

Beware,

The empty ones take good notes...
The coveting ones bearing swords maneuvering psychicly-unbeknownst to them

They’ll suck you dry, become a facade of you, then move on to the next 

He is furry faced now
His body moves fluently
Once so awkward, decrepit-crawl-like
His face once so wild as sound escapes
He wears hats now
His hair is long now
He has style now
I want to dislike it, do I, I'm not sure
But it's still weird
A genuine weird
He's still weird
So it's ok
His voice is still the same
Certain mannerisms, still as off as ever
So it's ok
I'm still soothed
All is ok
We're ok

The light returned with those familiar twinges of mania...

Moving far from...
the somewhat of a home...
I'd made appealing

desert to the sea
sea to the desert

Highway fades brown to green
Green to brown

Manic mind turned loose
Unbound 

Headlight highway lines
Moon Mountain Sun
Onward on

Desert
Sea

Both refuge
Both of bright white sands
Both, take me
Smother, drown me

My blood turned thick
I was subdued
My body heavy but hollowing
Abused
The  sculpture is undone,
Soft on the inside

Hanging on

Escaped

Truck stop home
Looking hard upon me, up and down
I can't bear it
Hide myself

My thickened blood still bleeds
My Stockholm symptoms
..Twisted brain

Lone crying

No home...
...Human or place

Many years ago
I'd gaze upon his demeanor and mannerisms
He looked mature in age.

...His stance, voice, wardrobe...
I've grown older,
He has been preserved in time...
I now see a gentleness...
A boyish fragililty which was always there.

What is this?
These momentary tastes of delightfulness...
Teased with feelings...of a happiness blossoming.
Only to be ripped away, inevitably, like an unforeseen slap to the face.
...Yet again...I plummet...into agony and aloneness.
To suffer.
Why...
Why is this torture cast down again and again?

Billie and Frida are reminders of the beauty in suffering.

Remembering when I didn't care for drugs or alcohol when I was with you.

One moment I am sitting in my hot car getting scalded by my own tears...
Too weak to push open the door and lift myself from the car...
...Vision too blurry and hands too shaky to aim the house key into the key hole...

The next, I receive a satisfying phone call and all is fine and dandy again.
I am insane.

Sometimes I imagine fun to be drinking a six-pack and hauling ass down the most desolate of these dusty Arizona roads. But only would I if there were a designated Wild West highway for drunk people to take their chances on.

Another night of Arizona's sunset medicine on South Mountain. This land is undeniably beautiful. "...But get out of there before it sucks the life from you" he says. Yes, there is truly something about this land that grabs a hold of you. I get lost in the desolation and in my love affair with saguaros. ...But alongside that...what is this feeling... desultory? How many desolate roads can I continue to walk down, metaphorically and non. I am feeling the glue beginning to dry, which is my reminder, it's time to go.

...sinister... he called me.

My neighbor and I don't borrow cups of sugar from one another, we borrow shots of liquor and favors like... me shaving his back.

My wardrobe has been colorful but also prone to darkness throughout the years.Within the last few months...colors infiltrated once again. ...But now, as darkness descends...as suffocating and inescapable as ever... my wardrobe is fading back to black.

A lone life on the road is endlessly stimulating. It's a freeing thing to be uncertain of what or who you will discover. A lone life working a full time job and going home to an apartment over and over is a thing of misery.

Cheers... To finding out that someone I admire and adore to the upmost believes in me too.

I feel like a creature on display.
People are afraid to get to close,
But can't take their eyes away.

I've a heart with insatiable explorer's blood.

Left alone in my apartment, he rambled...discovering things he wished he hadn't.

lyrics

Il a dit, bien où habitez-vous?♪
Eh bien monsieur, si vous ne savait
Qu'est-ce que cette réponse vaut
Été chercher tous les coins
De la terre

He's like a sweet kid with a lot of candy. So happy and generous with his drugs.

The desert sky turned gray, the rain came hard, the wind blew wild... 

"Are we gonna die" says comrade

They gaze upon your outside, clawing at it relentlessly,
wanting their own experience of you.

Overlooking the being in there that needs to be
valued rather than depleted.

I let you puncture my healed wound...again. The difference is this time I didn't like it.

Alex Grey

Being in his presence is familiar in that he radiates that 

energy that is felt through gazing at his creations.

I must be a considerate person even when plastered drunk... Because at the end of the night instead of hurling in the Uber ride person's car, I drunkenly unzipped my pocket book and threw up into it...creating a huge mess for my own self for the next day.

Cheers to finding ways to feel free...

This inescapable loneliness has been cast down upon me my whole life.

We had lunch dates where you gave me fatherly advice.
You'd email or call to check up on me. 

You can't tell a girl without a dad that she's like the kid you never
had but always wanted...

Then buy her some things, carry them up to her apartment, and make a move on her.
...I'm not yet that perverted.

I prefer to actually be alone than be with someone and feel alone.

All these years and I've never stopped feeling like a little girl.
...fucking nuts.

A thoughtful being with an owl that lives in his backyard left an owl feather and a note on my car. I'm a sucker for these such things.

One day I'm in the gutter, the next I'm on a mountain.

Why is it that when I feel the most happiest, I also feel the guiltiest.

Only in the desert have I screamed after being scalded by fabric seats in a car...
And... only in the desert have my own bracelets heated up and burned my arms.

Lone journeying the desolate parts of Mesa and suddenly there they were...Wild and free... The Salt River Horses.

Romanced by the desert and the sea.

We admire each other from afar...
there will be no more, no less.

 Feeling the impending combustion rising..

My obsession with the open road.

Sitting at the bar...

"I hate that I still find him so sexy" - me
"He is... But remember he wears a diaper" - comrade

Our hurricanes weren't able to merge and become one powerful hurricane.
Instead just a ball of madness that, inevitably, dissipated into the sea.

Watching the sun come down from clouds and sink below the mountains. 

Currently on the hood of my car waiting for that sunset medicine. 

...sitting here watching this bad arse looking red bird outside the window.
The face of a red bird is intense. It looks like a bandit, a red bird bandit.

...an array of sporadic emotions and happenings...

"we're flat broke but hey we do it in style"

-My happy lyric.

I don’t want to be in a costume on stage… unless in the literal sense.

I'm wishy washy, indecisive, and sure I've done some pretty neglectful things. …But I’ve never just set sail to hurt anyone.

Weirdos of today have it easy now that it's cool to be weird. When I was growing up you were on your own... And when people called you weird, they meant it.

In the desert when it's cloudy or rainy it's considered a beautiful day. On the east coast people hide indoors and become depressed and whine about it.

motorhome fever

"...if you've ever started the car with a full tank of gas and just headed out, if you've ever hitchhiked or picked up a hitchhiker, if you look at the highway and see possibilities..." I love this excerpt from the book "American Nomads"

Don't assume that a guy wearing skinny jeans and makeup won't kick your arse if you ask for it.

Sometimes I feel like I’m doomed to drift this earth and never feel like I belong anywhere.

some days it is necessary to be hidden away

No... I wear my sunglasses at night because it helps me feel relaxed in situations.

I let in the darkness and the light.

It's still early but I'm running out of time. Trying on everything, can't decide what to wear...what to bring... then inspiration hits and I waste time taking pictures of myself. Where is this inspiration when I'm lying limp on the floor...

tonight I am going to be productive in my nightowlism.

Often when someone confides in you an issue that they have with another person, they chatter just enough information for you to agree with them because it momentarily boosts their self esteem to hear someone cheering on their side. What's the point? Share the whole story if you want true feedback, otherwise keep it to yourself because later you'll feel just as crappy knowing the full truth... And thanks to humans being incredibly impressionable, it could unfairly tarnish a person's view of another. 

when people say “I don’t know how he or she dated him or her” based on mostly unchangeable outward appearances… Why don't they realize they're just exposing their own depthless self.

I’d rather be overwhelmed than under stimulated.

overwhelmed but understimulated.

Ah, the sound of roosters in the air.

It's been a long time since I've seen a clown. I want to experience clowns again and see how it feels in my "adult life."

Somewhat less self-sabotaging lately

Reading a bit of the libra 2012 horoscope...

"You are more attracted to people who are free-spirited, individualistic, and possibly even eccentric or unstable as close partners; or you attract these types of people into your experience"
I love the unstable part.

derelict, desultorious...stray human...tonight it's all magnified.

I feel I'm a good listener but sometimes I think I'm told a good listener only because the other person hasn't given me a chance to talk..

don't mind living out of suitcases... 

it keeps that unbound feeling alive.

It was getting late and I was driving miles and miles in desolate Texasland. ...So I awoke in a cheap but cozy motel in Van Horn, TX

Currently enjoying the rest stops and truck stops that the southwest has to offer. 

Like, I really love the rest stops and truck stops of the southwest. 

Texas Canyon, AZ to

Silver City, New Mexico

Did I dream it... because the memories aren't making sense.

...While waiting for a friend I'm sitting on the bed using the laptop when I hear a loud knocking sound behind me. I turn around quickly and 2 hangers in the closet are rocking wildly out of control. There appears to be no cause of this.

I go where it's serene and wild...

then from bummed to thrilled.

the dust moves me

"You have a wolf pack following you" he said

love affair with the desert and the sea

The sadness washes against the shore

[ N E W  M O O N ]

Ridin' these desert highways...Sonoran to the Mohave...One of my favorite drives. 

My shadow dances better than me.

the grocery bag

After having a good meal, my comrade and I are walking outside towards the car when we spot a man walking while a white plastic grocery bag blows in the wind alongside him...as if purposely following and annoying the man. We chuckle over this and continue towards the car until we notice that the bag is still drifting with the man. Suddenly the man kicks at the bag and misses it. We crackle up with laughter and watch as the wind blows the bag up into the air. Comrade says "That bag was like fuck this I'm out of here." By this time we've been in the parking lot at least ten minutes watching the bag expecting it to come down but it only goes higher and higher into the sky. Comrade notices a plane and asks me if it's flying straight up into the air instead of sideways. The ridiculousness of that question added to my already uncontrollable laughter over the bag. By then, almost an hour had passed and we were still watching the bag which was now almost out of view from being blown so high up into the sky. It was a crazy, I'd never seen a plastic grocery bag do such a thing. That bag was impressive. I don't believe the man that the bag followed ever even realized what the bag did after harassing him. If it had come back down I would have kept it forever but instead it kept elevating higher and higher until out of view like a balloon.

After live music in downtown Phoenix I'm standing by the stage slightly listening to a group of beat boxers and drummers gathered on a porch making music. The beats stop and shortly after one of the guys turns around and asks me if I know a girl named Sabrina. I answer "Yes, I know her pretty well actually". He then tells me that he recognized me from a description that she'd given of me a while ago. I was like whoa that's cool.

A tad later that evening I'm standing in the line for the bathroom when the dude in front of me turns around and asks "Is your name Belanger?" I recognize him [Shane] right after he asks. We'd been friends on facebook for a few months but had never met in person.

HARPY LOVE

These two words were scribbled in the sand in front of my apartment entrance. I have no clue who edged it in the sand nor the meaning behind it. A couple of weeks ago a scarecrow appeared to the left of my entry way. Strange things happen in the wild west.

...a mellow night gone mad

...walking around blacked-out drunk

Dine & Dash

...but seriously, it was called for. My comrade and I waited over 2 hours for our chow. We finally got our pasties from the bartender [never saw the waitress again after taking our order] and finished our beers [no one ever brought us a check] and left.

[ new moon ]

I awoke suddenly in the middle of the night and through hazy vision saw a plump, shiny spider about the size of a basket ball trickling down towards me. I squeal, jump off the futon mattress and turn on the light. There is nothing there. The sleep delirium subsides and I think wow, I really just did that.

Often enough when I'm up in the wee hours of the night with the windows open, I hear random bolts of laughter from outside.

somber hours spent hiding away, but now I drift... content.

I think I found my menagerie. I hope that everyone finds their menagerie.

Perhaps Tempe, AZ is full of shapeshifters. There are always random piles of clothes in the streets and alleys. I'm going to start a photographic collection of this.

Merry Christmas

me - "You are one beautiful man"

him - "You are one beautiful woman"

cat - meow, meeow, meeeow, meeeooow......

Night Walkin'

...sketchy silhouettes in the dark streets.

After adoring him from afar all these months...I walked over, sat closely and placed my arm over his chest and around his waste . The timing finally felt right, my passion no longer suppressed...the words flowed.

And he liked it.

I experienced love at first sight with a small antique foldout couch. My only concern is that it won't be as easy to skip town while owning a couch. I prefer all my belongings to be able to fit in my car at any given moment...

Currently I stand on the Arizona/Nevada border. Literally, yes.

The spirit, life force, etc. leaves the body...or perhaps returns to the source...or is recycled... And just a body is left here...motionless, empty. So incomprehensible.

Witnessed another fireball while off on an evening stroll with Max. I'm so fascinated.

...went to Papago Park (Phoenix, AZ) to sit in the hole and watch the sunset with a comrade. The air was perfect, not too hot and not too cool with a light breeze. At around 8:45 we're chatting away in the darkness when a huge ball of brightness shoots across the sky. My first thought was, wow, that's a huge falling star...but uhh why was it horizontal and how did it last a good 10 seconds before disintegrating. Comrade says "That was no star." I'd never seen anything like it before. I'm glad we were there to witness the fireball.

Article and video:
 http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/44529188/ns/technology_and_science-space/

Instead of soothing one another's issues, we fuel each other's. ...And I won't survive this way.

No food and dwindling resources. I'm starving. Time to go nibble around the bulk and produce sections.

At about 2 am after a fun night of drinking and live music, I decided to lie down and gaze at the sky. Well that gaze sesh turned into totally passing out and I awoke in the grass at 4am two feet from the edge of the road with my bike thrown to the right of me. This had the potential to end badly.

I've been no stranger to misanthrope from time to time...but right now I've never been more in love with humans.

The helicopters are in the sky circling, shining spotlights in our yard and the neighbor's. Someone's runnin' from the law again. This wild west desert mountain livin'...

Night terrors and fucking daymares

We take the energy from our suffering and channel it into something creative, such as a song or photograph, and in return it soothes other's suffering. This is beautiful.

Dust Storm of 2011

I live on the edge of South Mountain near the Phoenix/Laveen border. The view is silently beautiful. I can see downtown Phoenix and the hustle and bustle of it's streets, but hear nothing. Serene. The nights are pitch black and in the mornings lone coyotes roam the saguaro forest and rabbits hop. On this day I returned home from work to relax and work on an article before going out for a drink. I'm typing on my laptop when I hear unusually strong winds so I walk out into the daylight to take a look. I see a massive dark cloud approaching...my camera did not do justice in capturing it's volume. To create an idea of my dwelling, my section of the adobe is unattached to the rest of the home so I've sometimes felt like a sitting duck in there. In less than ten minutes after returning inside, the windows began vibrating and my double doors pulsate. I look through the blinds and see rain smacking the window while noticing that a deep darkness has now descended. As I run to the other window to to peak I hear objects being thrown around possibly hitting the entry gate, cars, or the house. At this point I have no idea what's going on and none of my 3 roommates are home. It's just myself, Max the Shih Tzu and my roomy's pup. I pear through the blinds again and see a mattress on top of my roommates van. By this time the vibrating and pulsating of the windows and doors has become much stronger. I'm really beginning to freak out. I'm thinking "Has mother nature has gone wild? Am I in the middle of a tornado in the desert?" Survival mode sets in. I quickly ponder if I can make it to the basement with the pups but I worry because the basement is at the far right of the house and I don't even know if it's unlocked. So I decide to stay in. I began making calls to friends for possible information but no one answers. The internet isn't working either. Thoughts of dying in a tornado in the desert start to infiltrate my mind. Then, suddenly after running around for twenty minutes in panic mode all was calm...and people began to call me back. I find out that I was in the middle of a massive wall of dust. It was the dust storm that made history. It reached me on the mountain before it hit many of them since they were in Tempe. This was the worst dust storm in the area for some time. Friends tell me they were stuck in bars, random people's houses, and stores. The Tempe/Phoenix area is full of pedestrians, cyclists, skateboarders, and such so people are always in the streets. Those that found no shelter when the dust wall swept through became known as the mud people. They were completely covered in it. Pools and cars with windows left open were filled with thick mud. I survived. It was very exciting to talk about after it was over.      

...steering my way through this world of actors and actresses.

I was about to be movin' on along but my car broke down.

DMT

Unexpectedly, I witnessed the extraction of the venom from the B. Alvarius, the Psychedelic Toad of the Sonoran Desert. The frogs were huge. It was done by squeezing their glands and collecting the fluid. They were then set free. Still I had mixed emotions.

I've seen beneath your disguise, no longer do I look upon you with the same view.

in a fest of madness

I remember you blasted it so loud on top of the mountain. I busted out of the bathroom stall and ran hard, straight into your arms. It was a happiest day. ...Now I can't hear our song. I once loved it so much I drove people nuts.

I'd rather be materially poor and happy with the one I've yet to find than superficially rich and miserable with either of you.

Today I moved to the outskirts of Phoenix...about 25 minutes away. The home is much deeper into the Sonoran desert and sits in front of South mountain with a spoil-me view of the valley. I wake up to a saguaro forest and the mountain in my face... with coyotes and various wildlife wandering about.

Cinespia...

Viewed a screening of the Liz Taylor movie... "Cat On a Hot Tin Roof" in the Hollywood Forever Cemetery. My comrade and I brought wine and snacks and placed a blanket down to enjoy the film picnic style with the other on-lookers... Surrounded by graves of course. Before leaving I frolicked about and around a beautiful antique hearse. This is my kind of outing.

http://cinespia.org/

Hollywood, CA

heavy

needing to purge my entire being...mind, body, environment...everything.

driving along some Arizona highway...

...getting my dose of dust 

Grand Canyon

I've laughed so long and hard while reading some of the stories in the book "Over the Edge: Death in the Grand Canyon" ...to the point that while at the Grand Canyon I sat down when very close to an edge with no railing. ...Not because I'm afraid of the height, but because I refuse to karmicly plummet and end up in the revised edition. 

enjoying...

a hot damn dusty day in the Sonoran desert...

Venice Beach...

There's a man, among the many, that drifts around Venice Beach...

His name is Ernie. He told my comrade Eric and I to email him at: ErnestWilliamsVeniceBeach@I'm-A-Bitch-Ass-Mutha-Fucka.com.

Adventures of a Bandit & a Crow

... you're just too sweet for a rusted old nail like me, you are the sweetest honey from the most beautiful willow tree, there aint' no sense in hanging around an old dusty ship like me ... but love you from a far ... that for me will always be, there's none finer a woman than Ms. Belanger D -Crow

...but old ships I do adore...the most weathered and worn...battle scars adorned. I sense him, I hear that blackchildred...his flute...from the desert to the sea, that pirate...my mountain gypsee. Near or far love you hard and strong...california arizona new mexico highways long... Just 2 old souls... From the opposite seas...Forever connected...forever free -Bandit


Odes to one another

In the hot dusty desert of southern California...surrounded by nothing but land...gazing upon a wondrous view of massive mountain peaks with snow atop. This scene is a gift...

made it to the Mojave...

Desert Center, CA... population around 150. 

This hot dusty desert...it's magic.

despair...

front porching...

eatin' Arizona oranges from the tree on this fine Sunday afternoon...

Venice Beach

the sea...

the sea and the mountains... 

a sunset over sea...

that beautiful mountain line running alongside the ocean...

the sound waves...
the trash...

engulfed...in the San Gabriel Mountains

Elevation 6000 in California's Angeles National Forest with my soulmate... Garry BlackChild aka Crow Captain. I feel like I could die with him and it would be ok...like...we could swing off this mountain while turning a curve and...

California bound. 

desultory...broke...down and out... here we go

I'm already lost, might as well get loster.

I must continue to climb out not deeper in. As soon as I see a hint of light his hand covers my face and ever so gently, lovingly...he pushes be back down ten feet.

[FULL MOON]

...and menacing jackals plentiful.

It's a natural high to drift on leaving that bruise behind... ...my heart is open and free.

You didn't even bother to lay me to rest gently, instead you stabbed me and tossed me in the street. I dwindled in agony on cold pavement...but still waited for your hand. Time passed...you came...stitched me up and kissed my bruises only to set sail hours later, abandoning me on your deserted island in which only you have the map.

Nothing is ever set in stone, instead stones roll.

I feel like I've been shot with arrows from 5 different directions and now I must piece my heart back together. I'm very thankful for my existence and all my limbs.. but lately life has been a series of falling dominoes. I'm feeling desperate for a dose of hope......looking forward to the tarot. Also I am in need of self-reconstruction...I'm going to pierce something, chop my hair off, get a tattoo of a trumpet, and try to eat food again.

to comprehend...accept...death.

Death comprehension.

"you'rE a brown RED CLAY redneck cuban mexican cherokee

kissy faced country hippie bumpkin pumpkin pie tree huggin
alligator belly rubber. Which translates into a BEAUTIFUL
BEAUTIFUL HUMAN." - Mountain Wolf WindBlade, friend

Twice thus far...there it sits...to the left, in the corner...taunting me...torturing me. I should attempt to ease this mental mutilation by violently throwing it out of here. I really want to hate it but I enjoy the twisted nature of the thing.

Good. ...Now I can listen to my depressing music and once again enjoy it. Lately I was engulfed in an abundance of happiness which sparked the realization that my music collection consists of mostly depressing rifts of various genres. Therefore, I found myself on a search for brighter music. ...But whatever...I like my downer music. Carry on...move forth I shall.

I could cuss but I'll just sigh...

I hope you choose the way of the warrior and not the coward.

I am very inspired when naked, I write and the words just flow and flow.

I've been enchanted by many dead bluesmen, folksmen...it’s nice to actually fall for one that breathes.

...and suddenly following my heart and actually smiling from within has made me the bad guy...all over a silly piece of paper.

...and to think I once said no more musicians.

I'd become content along my loner journey but now he's come along like something I concocted just for myself, ...straight from my imagination.

I'll never cage you, you're free, but I do hope you'll stay.

I prefer to remain a little loose screwed...just so you know what you're getting yourself into. I hope that you're a little unscrewed too but you seem pretty screwed in, hmm.

You tossed something that you thought worthless. You now realize it's value but it's too late, it's flown...give up. It's never going to return to you. Go away.

I feel so free, such a weight has been lifted.

Traveling the steps to the eighth floor.

I feel like I can fly.

Watching myself in the mirror for minutes while analyzing my recent thoughts and actions...extreme highs and lows... a case of freedom-induced mania.

There is harsh air outside.
I took a walk through the graveyard with a friend and my fingers and feet went numb.
...warm...tea...please
I am in admittance of my pansy ways this winter... all I want to do is huddle under blankets.
...man it's been hard to get up in a.m.

Clear and free of storm...momentarily.

I did some things that I consider to be on my list of to-don'ts. First, I purchased something from Walmart. I go in there on rare occasions to walk around and be ridiculous but I hadn't purchased anything from there in almost 6 years. And what did I buy? ...A pack of beer. Second, I used a microwave TWICE. I hadn't used one of those in at least 4 years. Someone needs to punish me.

True, elders are definitely not always right, BUT they are definitely interesting.

A quiet one, wearer of hats, observer of people.
Traveler by foot, easily overlooked and mischievous.
I once was a man fortunate enough to grow old.

Frenzied throughout the day instead of feeling dead.
Sometimes it's one extreme or the other.
Both suck.
I accomplish nothing either way.

full moon...

such magical energy which I polluted, thus shifting into a drunken psychosis... what a night to forget.

Currently contemplating a new den to call home.

ah, rum & aloneness.

Arizona...my crush. 

The art of water gazing...

part of me wants to jerk him up by the collar while speaking soft words of assurance to let him know that everything is going to be fine. I will change. The rest of me wants to escape, flee into the possibility of what currently is imaginary.

In this very moment
of this early morning.
I'm sitting here... alone.
and this morning is mine.
No one else's.

meditation

...or full moon madness.
How can I ever choose between the two.

No matter where I go, people ask me where I'm from.

Sitting here looking at this blog and noticing how little words I've been sharing these last few months. Another  piece of narcissism on the internet is not what I'd originally intended.

[FULL MOON]

tonight I sat under
I thought about how I will think back on this night
and it will seem like long ago yet at the same time like yesterday.
In the moment of experience, though, it feels like eternity.
I cannot grasp time.

the door to a captive's cage has been opened,
yet the captive stays in.

I've been roller coastering through an array of emotions concerning the month of July. It's approaching...and
things are about to drastically change.

a bit of delirium today.

et patati-et-patata

Humans annoy me so incredibly in grocery stores.
I soothe myself by laughing at them or else something madd may occur.

You are away
A different zone
and moon
I look for reasons
And I find them.
With broken tools
I'm building scenarios in my head.

I try to keep myself wired appropriately to where thoughts of things that I can't change are shot down. But who am I kidding, I do think of the past at times. I try to see truth in the fact that those things molded me. I have plenty of room to improve but I'm mostly content with myself. Who would I be if I hadn't been good and been bad when I did..

This sweet old man gave me 6 cents and walked away.
Then he came back and gave me a pack of m&m's.
I didn't have the heart to tell him I'm vegan.

I live here but it's never been home.
...somewhere in between dangling on a dream

...just the snow, my quilt, and a cup of mate'.

momentary satisfaction.

I've been indulging in some things that aren't particularly prosperous.

Sitting, listening to an owl.

No rum since new years, not that that's like some resolution or something because it's not.

...a rugged, hard working man who's comfortable in skinny jeans and even eyeliner. Now that is so attractive.

I resorted to the middle finger today.

The air was harsh.
The Malibu was fast.
I ended up in a whirlwind of dead leaves.
Then I felt liberated.

I'm drunk and would really enjoy playing Twisted Metal right now...I've got the game but I've no TV.

I don't feel dead today, instead inspiration hits and I succumb to uncontrollable fits of writing and typing and running about the house.

I should be happy for their sobriety and undepression...the problem is when they overcome those woes their music starts to suck.

It's one of those days,
I just want to get wasted...
But I can't
For I have no brew,
no dough,
and no human friends.

i want some freaking wine.

those somedays...

someday this, someday that. Shut up.

In a recent conversation with myself I rediscovered that I am the one who has chosen to live my life this way that I can choose to redo it.

moon is in full view

drained

we suck what life is left from one another.

Very energetic with so many different thoughts and ideas running through..... But the day is passing, that beautiful blue sky is turning orange.

time is fast forwarding, finding it difficult to grasp.

Dreamt of the many moons, all full except one; a crescent with a face at first appearing to be happy but as I approached I realized it was distorted in agony.

I am centered, very clear headed this morning. The winds are calm and I'm enjoying it.

When purchasing something why do people think it's ok to lick their fingers to get a grip on your change?

I don't want to keep blowing you off,
I just keep wanting something good to say.
Don't like to complain because I know there are
people with "real" problems...but...

It's like I'm living in another time...
My body is here but nothing else is.

I know very well the feeling of being misplaced and it's been
growing and growing as I get older and there is no one.

...Contemplation, intense and constant.

I feel like a dread-rotted lock.

I'm in NC,
I just want to RUN.

I'd give anything to smile from within.

I feel empty. More and more I feel bits of me dying off as time passes. I've dreamt my whole life away thus far.

Ran 2 miles without stopping in 19 minutes...
For me this is a big deal because running is agonizing. I find that it really helps to simmer me down though [as long as I'm running on a full night's rest].

Today I saw a bumper sticker that simply read "How's your wife and my kids?" hah but no hah...

The more I observe "serious" relationships, the more I loathe them.

I acknowledge that I'm skilled at a number of things, still though, that feeling of failure creeps in.

bereft of.

...laughing til my hands go numb.

Torn

between what's in the heart and what's easiest. how sad.

Awoke from sleep in a car with seats that wouldn't recline.

I really don't like to-do lists. They sneak up on you and they'll take over your life if you let em.

Woke up in Georgia with a Georgia peach, took a shower and ate the Georgia peach at the same time. It was fun.

Rum

I awoke to the sound of these words..
"What's this" and then a drawn out "WOW"

...Hurled at some point in my sleep with no recollection of it.
My first thought was of going back to sleep.

lies on top of webs of lies

...enough to support my dead weight.

Why does everyone seem to drive so frantically all at once?
The roads are a dangerous place. Look at the expression of the person in the car beside you. Watch them blow the horn and stare at you in your mirror. Look at all those cars on the highway with people in them who've gone madd.

Same pants, same voice, same walk.
Same music, same shoes,
Same prisoned minds.
I judge you just as you judge me.
I know what will come from your mouth before you approach me.
Where is the variety, why do sheep only get plenty to choose from.
Do you believe that people only use 10% of their brain.
Is that your satisfaction?
Poisoned body's and mind's
Disturbing my view,
Trashing up the steps,
Constant wasted noise from the biggest hole on the face.

Outwardly I keep my peace around you...
If you approach me my only way of battle is to intentionally speak something that you will not comprehend though I beg you to surprise me........................

-
It's just,
I'd like to exist somewhere within a balance of this daily occurrence.

Moving in 3 weeks. It's possible I'll be staying in an old hotel for about a month. It's eight stories high and 84 years old. It has a ghost story too.

my mind is east west north & south.

You're never too old for anything...we're really not that old at all and one year is really not that long ago. Society pushes age and time on us.

Such an Owl.

...but I'm gonna crash now.
Just so many thoughts, restlessness.

I DO NOT believe in fate if it means to sit back, watch, and wait.
That is silly to me.

upon my magic carpet.

I've got all this pent up energy... I wanna like run through a field flailing...or something.

healing through sacred dance, it's true

body contractions, undulations, back bends, today perfecting my snake arms...

I miss ridiculousness. Why so serious?

If one is alone and smiling you're "crazy" instead of happy or at peace. Society doesn't allow to us smile.

Interconnectedness

Dancing [raqs sharqi (belly dance)] and traveling...
I really feel the life-force.

the high from resisting temptation...focus on that while in the moment...truly stimulating.

...To feeling as free and balanced as I can in this world. To seeing the desert, those desolate roads. To seeing the sunset over the ocean. To seeing a different kind of person that I can relate to more often rather than every once in a while. To new experiences. To no longer feeling like a stir crazy animal. To feeling open... Cheers to what's inside my head.

Observing, listening to the birds, one in particular.
Gave Max a haircut complete with bald spots.
Whipped up some pudding/mouse (avocado, banana, raw agave, raw carob)

contemplating destroying my imaginary friends or not.

I'm going madd...........so I took a long bath and let all my worries flow down the drain with the water.

and What do i do
I get drunk and
you fall asleep
it makes me angry
because i want attention
you tell me you're worried
I'm always distant
the mystery you adored
is now your enemy

It's really raining here... earlier I saw three silly humans get bags from a cashier in order to shield themselves from the water.

It's coming down hard now, I'm ready to enjoy it.

A totally slacked off day, listening to Everclear, drinking me mate'... thinking of an attempt at hittin' the hay early.

...got a load of energy in such wee hours...simmer, me.

healing

I experienced a hot stone massage.

My head was out of focus at the dance studio, I'm thinking this and that now... but no good are shoulda coulda wouldas.

...howling soothes.

Longing for the sea.......... Til now I've never lived this far away.

deepen.

[Besides the things that I must] From this moment on, I will not buy anything new unless absolutely necessary and I say that sternly while putting it in typing. I have enough experience to know that you can find almost anything you need from thrifts to Craigslist. Just as my closeness to the earth and my no eating of animals comes naturally, living low maintenance and simplified comes just the same. What can I not buy, what can I re-use this for, what can I salvage, what can I barter are the questions that run through my mind when I feel in need of something. It's very adventuresome and fun, but also like a hunt for survival. Except for certain things when I do buy new it's because its easier sometimes and that's lame. Would I rather have easy..or have dough saved for my escape? Would I rather have easy...or add to the ever-so-accumulating waste patch on this beautiful Earth. Dig..Deep.

Fidelia

I had a guitar years ago, it was stolen before I had a chance to learn it. Now I've got new love, I call her my Fidelia.

From the Nest to the Cave

Finally. Released from the money vacuum which was the old pad. Getting settled into the new apartment has been quick and easy. We're keeping it bare with only the necessities excluding chairs. We use old jars for cups, sit on pillows upon the floor, and sleep on air mattresses. I'm used to using crates for most of my furniture needs but recently had to abandon them. Since moving in we've found that we aren't the only occupants, spiders and roaches claim this residence also. I don't mind the spiders. Little feet likes the roaches. We're located in an okay area in walking distance to a few stores and a library...although so far each time I've search a book, it's not there. This city is a little bigger than my last, and five miles from an even bigger city. I've not yet explored the downtown area but I'm ready to see what I can capture from it.

Tendencies

Sometimes I know.
A thought along with a jittery feeling mixed with an urgent sensation comes along and well...a little bit later, maybe minutes but usually no longer than the next day, it becomes actual. For a recent example, I knew you were going to lose your ring hours before it happened. I also knew you were going to jack off in the bathroom... and to get off subject just for a moment-everything has been a mess since. Now I do thank you for the enjoyment of that interestingly hilarious moment... I watched you quietly long before you ever knew I was there.

[birds in flight]

saw a huge V...
thought of grabbing my camera but couldn't take my eyes off of it.

pictures & yesterdays

or something imagined

perhaps it all fits... weeping willow...dim light of the moon...

focusing on focusing

Cheers

To being in touch with life and full of compassion,
To knowing what its like to care so passionately about things...

The problem begins, though, when you let this life wear you down to where it aches to care so much.

ever watched plastic melt?
...in fast forward?
this is life right now.

these months

To feel LIFE again volcanically through  my core.
What was I becoming?
someone foreign, someone not me at all...
In a boxed environment, every day blending the same...
Robotic and knowing just what to expect.
No surprises. little laughter. barely a hint of understanding.
Life IS EXPLORATION and that flows with my blood and without it I'm 20%.
...My feeling for the unknown is something I've yet to find justifiable words. 

I wanted to unite our separate, quite opposing worlds...
but in order to have a single moment of peace...at least one agreeance is needed.

I didn't intend to but perhaps by my lack of thrill and your apathy slash lack of passion, I transformed into a selfish roller coaster... and for those episodes I am truly sorry.

On this day my focus is from within... twisting, turning through the dimensions of my warped and momentarily true happiness. So much could be said of the situation at hand but I'm choosing to ignore those emotions for the moment.

when two worlds collide [i am exhausted]

Life is truly where you take it and where you focus your energies,
but some just need to get laid.

Isn't it interesting how "everyone" feels that they are alone and different and that no one understands them.

out of it

spinnin around in this desk chair wishing it would pick up
enough momentum and spiral upwards outta here.

dug beneath the dirt and mud and found light.

There is this situation that I am completely negatively amazed by.

Thinking of the mountains and watching the sunset. 

FULL MOON

It just does something to me.
No matter how cold, I stay out under.

Fix one thing and break another.

I've been feeling uncomfortable, overwhelmed, and confused in everyday environments so I'm taking a break, retreating.

awaking from a futuristic-like dream - my reaction

I long for life as in the beginning
I tried to love you
I died inside
No matter how I showed the meaning from inside
I cried under my pillow each night beside you
Long ago we had smiles with miles apart
Now I'm trying to be good enough
on the edge, on the brink from it all...
Stuck up a separate zone...
alone.

things are falling around me
there are dark shadows and flashes of light yet I feel fearless
It's only a force teaching me a lesson
a lesson I insist I already know
a path of words before me
as if coming from a dream
although its a reality,
the only reality happening before me
everything unfamiliar
codes, names, all around me..
how do I unscramble them

One of the best things after it rains is looking into a rain puddle.

Besides another human being
Besides material possessions and money
Putting all things aside and there is just yourself.......

momentarily this, momentarily that

an assortment of moments through time equaling nothing.

I awoke startled to the sound of the phone ringing
I answered dazed and confused and tried to hold a normal conversation
drifted off, half back asleep.
I awoke again to the sound of church bells and a dog's hoarse bark repeating and repeating.
I walked outside and felt the warm air hit my skin.
Its yellow outside, very yellow
..and still, very still; frozen-like.
The warm air on my skin,
and silence except for sound of church bells...
and the dog's bark.
Barely a breeze..
yellow outside,
very yellow.

Caught in an undertow

but finally for a moment I can think,
nourish my body... and maybe even sleep.

no moon no stars in sight...just alone.

watching

...the dead leaves fall.

Spaceship I'll take my chances take me away.

Find me at sea.

repellent

& yet another breath full of lies ricocheting off my ears.

Getting online when you've been drinking is just as bad as having access to a phone when you've been drinking.

stuck in this dream where you need to run but can only do so in slow motion

full moon.

I've found I'm a lot more expressive and creative around 3/4 in the morning.

estranged

The windows are foggy, there are weird noises and its dark.
Shadows which quite possibly could be my own.
Are dark forces present?
Is it them I see in the far corners of my vision... a hand.
Sometimes I feel like I've been gone and this is all
a dream while waiting in between.
Often I feel I've drifted or flipped from the hammock into an
alternate universe where all things are the same yet blurred...
I need some rest.

to those who hum

that figure you thought you saw in the corner of your eye.
that shadow you thought you'd imagined following you around that corner.
that stare you felt in the dark,
that presence you sensed at greenfield park.
that which made you suspect if something was behind that cypress tree.. was me