I don't feel dead today, instead inspiration hits and I succumb to uncontrollable fits of writing and typing and running about the house.

I should be happy for their sobriety and undepression...the problem is when they overcome those woes their music starts to suck.

It's one of those days,
I just want to get wasted...
But I can't
For I have no brew,
no dough,
and no human friends.

i want some freaking wine.

those somedays...

someday this, someday that. Shut up.

In a recent conversation with myself I rediscovered that I am the one who has chosen to live my life this way that I can choose to redo it.

moon is in full view

drained

we suck what life is left from one another.

Very energetic with so many different thoughts and ideas running through..... But the day is passing, that beautiful blue sky is turning orange.

time is fast forwarding, finding it difficult to grasp.

Dreamt of the many moons, all full except one; a crescent with a face at first appearing to be happy but as I approached I realized it was distorted in agony.

I am centered, very clear headed this morning. The winds are calm and I'm enjoying it.

When purchasing something why do people think it's ok to lick their fingers to get a grip on your change?

I don't want to keep blowing you off,
I just keep wanting something good to say.
Don't like to complain because I know there are
people with "real" problems...but...

It's like I'm living in another time...
My body is here but nothing else is.

I know very well the feeling of being misplaced and it's been
growing and growing as I get older and there is no one.

...Contemplation, intense and constant.

I feel like a dread-rotted lock.

I'm in NC,
I just want to RUN.

I'd give anything to smile from within.

I feel empty. More and more I feel bits of me dying off as time passes. I've dreamt my whole life away thus far.

Ran 2 miles without stopping in 19 minutes...
For me this is a big deal because running is agonizing. I find that it really helps to simmer me down though [as long as I'm running on a full night's rest].

Today I saw a bumper sticker that simply read "How's your wife and my kids?" hah but no hah...

The more I observe "serious" relationships, the more I loathe them.

I acknowledge that I'm skilled at a number of things, still though, that feeling of failure creeps in.

bereft of.

...laughing til my hands go numb.

Torn

between what's in the heart and what's easiest. how sad.

Awoke from sleep in a car with seats that wouldn't recline.

I really don't like to-do lists. They sneak up on you and they'll take over your life if you let em.

Woke up in Georgia with a Georgia peach, took a shower and ate the Georgia peach at the same time. It was fun.

Rum

I awoke to the sound of these words..
"What's this" and then a drawn out "WOW"

...Hurled at some point in my sleep with no recollection of it.
My first thought was of going back to sleep.

lies on top of webs of lies

...enough to support my dead weight.

Why does everyone seem to drive so frantically all at once?
The roads are a dangerous place. Look at the expression of the person in the car beside you. Watch them blow the horn and stare at you in your mirror. Look at all those cars on the highway with people in them who've gone madd.

Same pants, same voice, same walk.
Same music, same shoes,
Same prisoned minds.
I judge you just as you judge me.
I know what will come from your mouth before you approach me.
Where is the variety, why do sheep only get plenty to choose from.
Do you believe that people only use 10% of their brain.
Is that your satisfaction?
Poisoned body's and mind's
Disturbing my view,
Trashing up the steps,
Constant wasted noise from the biggest hole on the face.

Outwardly I keep my peace around you...
If you approach me my only way of battle is to intentionally speak something that you will not comprehend though I beg you to surprise me........................

-
It's just,
I'd like to exist somewhere within a balance of this daily occurrence.

Moving in 3 weeks. It's possible I'll be staying in an old hotel for about a month. It's eight stories high and 84 years old. It has a ghost story too.

my mind is east west north & south.

You're never too old for anything...we're really not that old at all and one year is really not that long ago. Society pushes age and time on us.

Such an Owl.

...but I'm gonna crash now.
Just so many thoughts, restlessness.

I DO NOT believe in fate if it means to sit back, watch, and wait.
That is silly to me.

upon my magic carpet.

I've got all this pent up energy... I wanna like run through a field flailing...or something.

healing through sacred dance, it's true

body contractions, undulations, back bends, today perfecting my snake arms...

I miss ridiculousness. Why so serious?

If one is alone and smiling you're "crazy" instead of happy or at peace. Society doesn't allow to us smile.

Interconnectedness

Dancing [raqs sharqi (belly dance)] and traveling...
I really feel the life-force.

the high from resisting temptation...focus on that while in the moment...truly stimulating.

...To feeling as free and balanced as I can in this world. To seeing the desert, those desolate roads. To seeing the sunset over the ocean. To seeing a different kind of person that I can relate to more often rather than every once in a while. To new experiences. To no longer feeling like a stir crazy animal. To feeling open... Cheers to what's inside my head.

Observing, listening to the birds, one in particular.
Gave Max a haircut complete with bald spots.
Whipped up some pudding/mouse (avocado, banana, raw agave, raw carob)

contemplating destroying my imaginary friends or not.

I'm going madd...........so I took a long bath and let all my worries flow down the drain with the water.

and What do i do
I get drunk and
you fall asleep
it makes me angry
because i want attention
you tell me you're worried
I'm always distant
the mystery you adored
is now your enemy

It's really raining here... earlier I saw three silly humans get bags from a cashier in order to shield themselves from the water.

It's coming down hard now, I'm ready to enjoy it.

A totally slacked off day, listening to Everclear, drinking me mate'... thinking of an attempt at hittin' the hay early.

...got a load of energy in such wee hours...simmer, me.

healing

I experienced a hot stone massage.

My head was out of focus at the dance studio, I'm thinking this and that now... but no good are shoulda coulda wouldas.

...howling soothes.

Longing for the sea.......... Til now I've never lived this far away.

deepen.

[Besides the things that I must] From this moment on, I will not buy anything new unless absolutely necessary and I say that sternly while putting it in typing. I have enough experience to know that you can find almost anything you need from thrifts to Craigslist. Just as my closeness to the earth and my no eating of animals comes naturally, living low maintenance and simplified comes just the same. What can I not buy, what can I re-use this for, what can I salvage, what can I barter are the questions that run through my mind when I feel in need of something. It's very adventuresome and fun, but also like a hunt for survival. Except for certain things when I do buy new it's because its easier sometimes and that's lame. Would I rather have easy..or have dough saved for my escape? Would I rather have easy...or add to the ever-so-accumulating waste patch on this beautiful Earth. Dig..Deep.

Fidelia

I had a guitar years ago, it was stolen before I had a chance to learn it. Now I've got new love, I call her my Fidelia.

From the Nest to the Cave

Finally. Released from the money vacuum which was the old pad. Getting settled into the new apartment has been quick and easy. We're keeping it bare with only the necessities excluding chairs. We use old jars for cups, sit on pillows upon the floor, and sleep on air mattresses. I'm used to using crates for most of my furniture needs but recently had to abandon them. Since moving in we've found that we aren't the only occupants, spiders and roaches claim this residence also. I don't mind the spiders. Little feet likes the roaches. We're located in an okay area in walking distance to a few stores and a library...although so far each time I've search a book, it's not there. This city is a little bigger than my last, and five miles from an even bigger city. I've not yet explored the downtown area but I'm ready to see what I can capture from it.

Tendencies

Sometimes I know.
A thought along with a jittery feeling mixed with an urgent sensation comes along and well...a little bit later, maybe minutes but usually no longer than the next day, it becomes actual. For a recent example, I knew you were going to lose your ring hours before it happened. I also knew you were going to jack off in the bathroom... and to get off subject just for a moment-everything has been a mess since. Now I do thank you for the enjoyment of that interestingly hilarious moment... I watched you quietly long before you ever knew I was there.

[birds in flight]

saw a huge V...
thought of grabbing my camera but couldn't take my eyes off of it.

pictures & yesterdays

or something imagined

perhaps it all fits... weeping willow...dim light of the moon...

focusing on focusing

Cheers

To being in touch with life and full of compassion,
To knowing what its like to care so passionately about things...

The problem begins, though, when you let this life wear you down to where it aches to care so much.

ever watched plastic melt?
...in fast forward?
this is life right now.

these months

To feel LIFE again volcanically through  my core.
What was I becoming?
someone foreign, someone not me at all...
In a boxed environment, every day blending the same...
Robotic and knowing just what to expect.
No surprises. little laughter. barely a hint of understanding.
Life IS EXPLORATION and that flows with my blood and without it I'm 20%.
...My feeling for the unknown is something I've yet to find justifiable words. 

I wanted to unite our separate, quite opposing worlds...
but in order to have a single moment of peace...at least one agreeance is needed.

I didn't intend to but perhaps by my lack of thrill and your apathy slash lack of passion, I transformed into a selfish roller coaster... and for those episodes I am truly sorry.

On this day my focus is from within... twisting, turning through the dimensions of my warped and momentarily true happiness. So much could be said of the situation at hand but I'm choosing to ignore those emotions for the moment.

when two worlds collide [i am exhausted]

Life is truly where you take it and where you focus your energies,
but some just need to get laid.

Isn't it interesting how "everyone" feels that they are alone and different and that no one understands them.

out of it

spinnin around in this desk chair wishing it would pick up
enough momentum and spiral upwards outta here.

dug beneath the dirt and mud and found light.

There is this situation that I am completely negatively amazed by.

Thinking of the mountains and watching the sunset. 

FULL MOON

It just does something to me.
No matter how cold, I stay out under.

Fix one thing and break another.

I've been feeling uncomfortable, overwhelmed, and confused in everyday environments so I'm taking a break, retreating.

awaking from a futuristic-like dream - my reaction

I long for life as in the beginning
I tried to love you
I died inside
No matter how I showed the meaning from inside
I cried under my pillow each night beside you
Long ago we had smiles with miles apart
Now I'm trying to be good enough
on the edge, on the brink from it all...
Stuck up a separate zone...
alone.

things are falling around me
there are dark shadows and flashes of light yet I feel fearless
It's only a force teaching me a lesson
a lesson I insist I already know
a path of words before me
as if coming from a dream
although its a reality,
the only reality happening before me
everything unfamiliar
codes, names, all around me..
how do I unscramble them

One of the best things after it rains is looking into a rain puddle.

Besides another human being
Besides material possessions and money
Putting all things aside and there is just yourself.......

momentarily this, momentarily that

an assortment of moments through time equaling nothing.

I awoke startled to the sound of the phone ringing
I answered dazed and confused and tried to hold a normal conversation
drifted off, half back asleep.
I awoke again to the sound of church bells and a dog's hoarse bark repeating and repeating.
I walked outside and felt the warm air hit my skin.
Its yellow outside, very yellow
..and still, very still; frozen-like.
The warm air on my skin,
and silence except for sound of church bells...
and the dog's bark.
Barely a breeze..
yellow outside,
very yellow.

Caught in an undertow

but finally for a moment I can think,
nourish my body... and maybe even sleep.

no moon no stars in sight...just alone.

watching

...the dead leaves fall.

Spaceship I'll take my chances take me away.

Find me at sea.

repellent

& yet another breath full of lies ricocheting off my ears.

Getting online when you've been drinking is just as bad as having access to a phone when you've been drinking.

stuck in this dream where you need to run but can only do so in slow motion

full moon.

I've found I'm a lot more expressive and creative around 3/4 in the morning.

estranged

The windows are foggy, there are weird noises and its dark.
Shadows which quite possibly could be my own.
Are dark forces present?
Is it them I see in the far corners of my vision... a hand.
Sometimes I feel like I've been gone and this is all
a dream while waiting in between.
Often I feel I've drifted or flipped from the hammock into an
alternate universe where all things are the same yet blurred...
I need some rest.

to those who hum

that figure you thought you saw in the corner of your eye.
that shadow you thought you'd imagined following you around that corner.
that stare you felt in the dark,
that presence you sensed at greenfield park.
that which made you suspect if something was behind that cypress tree.. was me